


just pull the trigger

by Buttercup_ghost



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Child Abandonment, Child Neglect, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Foster Care, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Postpartum Depression, Separation Anxiety, Soulless Undertale Pacifist Route, Spoilers - Undertale Genocide Route, Spoilers - Undertale Neutral Route, Spoilers - Undertale Pacifist Route, War, War Veteran, War survivor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-23 21:02:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7479915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttercup_ghost/pseuds/Buttercup_ghost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you knew you weren't a good mother</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. sugar-coating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you were gonna mess this up, you knew it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!  
> These are very serious issues and I really hope I do them justice, I did a bunch of research, but I am only 14 and I don't really know if I grasped everything. If it feels like I disrespected anyone, PLEASE tell me! I'm going out of my comfort zone, instead of just dealing with depression and anxiety, which I can draw from personal experience, I'm also dealing with ptsd, postpartum depression/anxiety and rape recovery in this work. I want to do these things justice! I want to help people through writing, not hurt them. So please, please, PLEASE, tell me if I do something wrong. I'm trying to portray the real trama people go through, trying to understand how time in the military effects people. America likes to say that they support their veterans, but most of the people on the streets are veterans, and a lot of veterans on the wait list for treatment die. Not to mention the amount of sexual assult that takes place in the military. I also notice that we "romancify" the image of serving, and fail to realize that they are people. People who have seen friends die, and people who have killed. Its not gilts and glamor, its hard. I know this is just a silly fanfic, but I want to do good with it.

I'm not sure if anyone really understands.

we were not fighting for honor, not really.

we were fighting for are lives

its a war, where anyone can dies.

where not even your friends are guaranteed to live, where sometimes, your friends aren't even on your side.

this isn't a movie, or show.

no one is off limits

did you know?

 there are about 26,000 cases of sexual assault in the military a year.

about 93% of sex offenders are known by their victims

I knew him. I fought with him.

standing by the enemy, and shooting at a stranger

I was discharged 3 months later.

I am not a person, I am a weapon they deemed broken

I am sitting in the factory's disposal system known as the streets. 

left with a child that I can not care for

 A child made from the blood and ruins, ashes of the past staining their innocence.

I only realize after dropping them that it was my hands- hands that stroke their face so tenderly just moments before they fell, fell just like the tears shed over the tombstones of my allies -that are covered in soot

and when I look closer, its almost like my hands are dyed in the blackness, like my edges are frayed.

at the birth of my own child, it was not them who sobbed or screamed, but me.

they just turned and looked at me, confused and ignorant.

And I knew.

I _knew_ that I couldn't do this. 

sometimes I feel like I'm still fighting a war, but this time inside of myself .

sometimes.. I hate them.

those gab tooth teeth that could swallow you whole, those eyes that where always squinting, hiding away a pool of malevolence

when I look at them, he's all I see

I'm a horrible mother, aren't I?

but.. if I reach out.. will they take them away..?

when we hoped around from house to house, woman shelter to woman shelter, street to street..

they asked me.

they asked me why...

"baby.." I said to them, "you have to understand, that there's no way to sugar-coat the answer without lying."


	2. answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i didn't either

they. wouldn't. stop. crying.

when ever I tried to leave, they would start.

they would sob and sob and sob- they would throw things to.

and sometimes I would think-

...things I never thought I would never think

 to be honest?

I was scared.

i was scared to be left alone with them.

why couldn't they _just **shut up!**_

 i couldn't do this... i couldn't..

head in my hands, i ended up silently sobbing with them.

 they deserve better.. better than me..

this is hopeless..

it feels as if I'm stuck in a cage of glass..

I'm just _so tired_.

suddenly, they stop crying, causing my thoughts to race.

_"are they breathing? did they die? could they hear me crying? are they ok? please let them be ok!"_

i move my shaky hands and open their door

...their they layed soundly asleep, unharmed. 

 i slump to the floor.

something is not right with me...

 **normal** mothers aren't like this.

and so... when they where old enough to asked me why...

i caressed their face, and said "baby.. you have to understand, that there's no way to sugar-coat the answer without lying."

i tell them, gently, bitterly..

"its a kill or be kill world out there, frisk.. you either hurt, or get hurt."

and they cried, saying how they didn't want to harm anyone

but couldn't they see? couldn't they tell?

I didn't either.


End file.
